As i sit in my bed on the 24th of December 2017, all i seem to think is that Christmas is tomorrow yet i am not excited or thrilled for the big day! Christmas is one of those things were the older you get, the less and less exciting Christmas seems. I have reached a stage in my life where Christmas isn’t a thing that i enjoy anymore. Don’t get me wrong i love the idea of Christmas and i have my reasons for not enjoying it this year, meaning that i’m sure ill begin to enjoy it more as i reach an older age but at seventeen, it doesn’t get me all excited like it used to.
For starters, i have always have a very untraditional Christmas, with spending more than 5 christmas’s overseas and away from actual house. This means i have never had steady christmas plans. When i was younger christmas consisted of just waking up, opening presents and then spending the next week after christmas playing with my toys. Now that I’m older and don’t play with toys, there kinda isn’t much to do on christmas.
Another thing is the fact that I’m a million miles away from my family, who are all the way in South Africa. I do have family that live near me but they are all much older than me and i have never been that close to them. It also doesn’t help that i am the youngest in the family except my 3 year old 2nd cousin who kinda doesn’t give a fuck about me so i can’t even play with him. Come December i always think of my family overseas and how i wish i could spend the day with them and see my grandparents, uncle, aunt, cousins, great aunts, and just general family who i haven’t seen in around 5 years. I am not a good socialiser, so on christmas i usually just sit and watch t.v at my aunt’s house with the occasional family member coming over to me and ask me the typical questions of ‘what subjects are you taking next year?’, ‘Any holiday plans?’, ‘Got a boyfriend yet?’ or ‘What are your plans for once you finished school?’. It’s exhausting and just plain annoying but i can’t complain. At ;east i have family that i can see and that love me, unlike so many others out there. As i am 17, i also can’t drink yet which makes me the only member of the family to not be drinking on christmas, leaving me out once again.
There is also the ongoing issue that i struggle with of depression due to bipolar disorder. The holiday time somehow always makes this worse, and i know that so many other people who struggle with the disorder also agree with me. Just the pressure of having an amazing christmas gets to me sometimes, or even receiving and giving gifts can get my anxiety to sky rocket. As well as of course having to communicate and socialise with many different family members and a lot of unwanted hugging. This means that there is a lot of stress put on me during the holidays which leads to even more crying and sleepless nights. Also makes it harder that my boyfriend is out of town for christmas, because i know he would automatically make me feel much better and seeing and hanging out with his family.
I can’t wait till i am older and i have my own children so that the christmas spirit can once again enlighten me. When i do have my own children, I’m going to make sure that we create lots of fun christmas traditions so that my children never get bored of christmas. The future looks bright and i can’t wait for days like that where i can finally live out my ideal christmas dreams.
Until then, Merry Christmas 2017 me and i wish you all the best in the new year.